Well- Intentioned Dragons: Ministering to Problem People in the Church

By Marshall Shelley

This is a book about ministering while under attack. The goal in handling dragons is not to destroy them, not merely to disassociate, but to make them disciples. Even when that seems an unlikely prospect. It is helpful to catalog some of the varieties inhabiting the church. The Bird Dog loves to be the pastor’s eyes, ears, and nose, sniffing out items for attention. The Wet Blanket has a negative disposition that’s contagious. The Entrepreneur is enthusiastic. Unfortunately, in addition to being enthusiastic about the church, he’s equally eager to sell the vitamins, bee pollen, or car wax. Captain Bluster is the person who speaks with an exclamation point instead of a period. He (or she) is right, and everyone else is wrong. The Fickle Financier uses money to register approval or disapproval of church decisions. The Busybody, enjoys telling others how to do their jobs. The Bookkeeper, keeps written record of everything the pastor does that “isn’t in the spirit of Christ. The Merchant of Muck, breeds dissatisfaction by attracting others who know he’s more than willing to listen to, and elaborate on, things that are wrong in the church. The Legalist, whose list of absolutes stretches from the kind of car a pastor can drive to the number of verses in a hymn that must be sung.

The distinguishing characteristic of a dragon is not what is said but how it’s said. Theirs is a spirit quick to vilify and slow to apologize. They destroy enthusiasm, the morale so necessary for church health and growth. They sap the pastor’s energy and, just as damaging, goad them into reacting instead of acting. If the first casualties in dragon warfare are vision and initiative, the next victim is outreach. The worst dragons may be, in the beginning, the pastor’s strongest supporters. Dragons often work overhard initially at befriending you. Dragons usually compare you to their former pastor. Whenever the church office holders, elected or appointed, are different from the unofficial but widely recognized power brokers in the congregation, dragons seem to multiply. Dragons are often bred in counseling. Dragons often sensed a call to the ministry at one time.

In the church, most dragons see themselves as godly people, adequately gracious and kind, who hold another viewpoint they honestly believe is right. Some of the underlying causes of their behavior are: first, people do battle because they feel so strongly. The criticism of a dragon may spring more from anger than differences over the immediate subject. And sometimes the anger is not specifically directed at the pastor but at the situation. Second, despite their sincerity, people cannot overcome their human nature.

Dragons are best known for what comes out of their mouths. The would-be attacker usually begins a covert warfare, the strategy is one of planting questions in people’s minds, raising doubts about the pastor’s competence, credibility, ministry, or motives. When attacked by a dragon, do not become one. Not all attacks by dragons are personal; sometimes the play is for power. Well-intentioned dragons, of course, have good reasons for seeking power, usually because the church is heading a direction they think needs to be changed. The problem is that most church members imagine themselves as basically “nice,” willing to bend to keep the peace. Churches can thus be victimized by people who see being “right” as more important than being “nice.”

When faced with political typhoons, the best chance for survival is facing them directly. Prevent church fights from becoming holy wars. Learn what you can from the opposition. Remember that failure is not fatal. The best way to build an atmosphere of cooperation is to model a positive tone. Pastors who personify a non-defensive spirit of joy and generosity tend not to attract as many dragons. Problems seldom arise from those active in significant people ministries. A ministering laity, not just a busy laity, is a key to suppressing the dragon population. Pastors who develop strong lay leaders have learned to honor those who minister.

Pastors, need to take time to build trust and healthy relationships before initiating changes. Often the pastor gains more influence by being a gentle friend than by grabbing for control. Others pastors let their passion for softball, poetry, or country music be known. Far from isolating them, these interests make pastors more human, more accessible, which often helps in finding common ground with a dragon.

Healthy churches are confident in their own identity. They know their direction and limits. And they’re less likely to be tossed about by disillusioned dragons. Cohesiveness among the spiritual leaders of the congregation is a healthy core for healing the rest of the body and for fighting the infectious attitudes that spring up from time to time. Healthy boards are united in purpose and plan, respecting one another’s differences. If pastors and their boards don’t trust each other, the church will be unhealthy, and chances are, the pastor’s tenure will be brief and unpleasant. A relationship of trust must be attempted, even when it doesn’t come naturally. Always, however, the initiative for trying to develop trust lies with the pastor.

Many pastors have mentioned that a breakthrough came when they began revealing some of their genuine spiritual struggles and their fears for the church. Often board members won’t open up until the pastor gives permission by letting his own humanness and vulnerability show. Personal relationships, mutual respect, and trust are the foundation of a strong working relationship between pastor and board. Healthy boards are built with members selected for their spiritual qualifications, not their money, longevity in the congregation, or strong personality and have common learning experiences. Evaluations, preferably written, not only help pastors synchronize their ministries with the priorities of the board, but they become an excellent defense when the pastor is criticized. The evaluation provides a forum for those criticisms to be fully discussed and defused.

Many pastors let their board members know from the beginning that though they may differ sharply in their meetings, in public they do not dissent but represent the will of the board. The atmosphere of the board meeting itself is an excellent gauge of the church’s health. An unwritten agenda item at every healthy board meeting is “encouraging each other.” Almost all pastors are willing to benefit if the criticism is valid. Here are several tests pastors have identified to help distinguish fair from unfair attacks. The first test is the motivation of the critics. The number of sources making the same criticism is also telling. Consider the spirit in which the criticism is given. Consider hot anger a sign that something more is involved. If the criticism passes the source and spirit tests, then consider it prayerfully. Consider concrete criticisms more seriously. Consider the criticism calmly.

The goal of a pastor is to tame the beast, to prevent further destruction on either side. Dragon taming is not suppressing differences of opinion. A person is not a dragon because of different ideas but destructive actions. Neither is confrontation the silencing of all complainers. Finally taming dragons is not giving in, becoming a doormat, appeasing them so they won’t spew their wrath throughout the church. Pastors have discovered several helpful keys in establishing the right kind of attitude for dragon confrontation. First, everyone involved must be told that disagreements are OK. Each person must be allowed to state his or her position with strength and clarity. No one will be intentionally hurt, nor will anyone be allowed to inflict needless hurt. Second, if possible, reframe the dragons. Third, pray not only about, but for the dragons. Finally, be gentle but firm.

The spirit needed for confronting dragons is not one of fear and withdrawal nor of arrogant power. It is gentleness and firmness - an attitude of smart love. The climate of any encounter with dragons can be an important factor in improving or damaging the relationship. Two important aspects of creating the right atmosphere are timing and location. More people are changed by attention and understanding than correction and coercion. At the point private conversations do not resolve the situation and witnesses become involved, two others cautions should probably be taken: begin taking notes and inform the board.

The only times public action is ever appropriate is for continuing, confirmed, and unconfessed sin. And never unless the leadership of the church support the move. Rather than forcing the issue publicly, often more is gained by learning to minister in an unresolved situation. Survivors of the dragon wars offer three broader suggestions to those facing the mental anguish of unrelenting opposition. Time can bring healing. For new pastors it also often brings an increasing ability to handle dragons. Pastors report four to eight years are often necessary before people begin to accept them. Stay consistent with our vision for the church even if we lose the decisions. But it helps to learn to lose graciously.

In addition to patience, a larger perspective helps. It also helps to remind ourselves of God’s sovereignty. The effects of dragons can linger for years, sapping a church’s strength, unless the leaders demonstrate strong, visible forgiveness. Even in the midst of unresolved tensions, forgiveness must always be offered. True forgiveness, even when forgiving a dragon, is saying, “I don’t completely understand you. I can’t excuse what’s happened, and I can’t forget what you’ve done. But here’s my hand. I want to be your friend again. I still want to work with you. Let’s begin over.”

Developing Christian virtues demands other people—ordinary, ornery people. True love isn’t even learned among friends we have chosen. God’s kind of love is best learned where we can’t be selective about our associates. As Thomas a Kempis would say “It is good that we at times endure opposition and that we are evilly and untruly judged when our actions and intentions are good. Often such experiences promote humility and protect us from vainglory. For then we seek God’s witness in the heart.”

An Executive Book Summary prepared by
Thomas L. Law, III, DoM
Tarrant Baptist Association
Ft. Worth, TX

(for more than 200 book summaries by Dr. Law, go to www.tarrantbaptist.org)