Sooner or later most congregations experience some degree of destructive conflict caused by antagonism. Such conflict, though caused by so few, has the potential to disrupt, even to destroy, the mission and ministry of Jesus Christ through the people of God. Antagonism can obliterate a sense of the presence of God’s love in individuals and in the faith community. Perhaps antagonism most frequently tears into the lives of church staff members. There are those who wantonly, selfishly, and destructively attack others.
Antagonism should not be confused with mere criticism or healthy conflict in the church. Antagonism is unhealthy conflict, and antagonistic behavior is not honorable. Antagonists are individuals who, on the basis of nonsubstantive evidence, go out of their way to make insatiable demands, usually attacking the person or performance of others. These attacks are selfish in nature, tearing down rather than building up, and are frequently directed against those in a leadership capacity. You can learn to recognize antagonism, prevent antagonism, and deal with antagonism.
When one individual assumes the whole burden of dealing with an antagonist, the result is rarely healthy. The obligation to deal with the situation properly resides in the corporate leadership of the congregation and, to a lesser extent, in the congregation as a whole. Remember that conflict with an antagonist is an attack by hostile forces on the very life of the church. All must work together to repel the attack, though by the very nature of their function, leaders will generally assume a more active role than others.
Church antagonism is that disruption in a congregation caused by an antagonist. Antagonists initiate trouble; they do not wait for trouble to come along. Antagonists are never satisfied. Their implicit goal is control, no matter what the cost may be to others. It should also be noted that everyone acts antagonistically at times. Without excusing such behavior, you can be sure of this: isolated antagonistic behaviors do not make an antagonist. What is missing, among other things, is that insatiable quality that drags problems out interminably.
Conflict is a fact of life throughout society, including the church. Speed Leas distinguished five levels of conflict in congregations. According to Leas, what differentiates the various levels are the objectives of those involved and their use of language. The objective of those operating at Level I, Problems to Solve, is to work out a solution to the problem, whatever it is. At Level II, Disagreements, the objective becomes colored with a need for self-protection. At this level, individuals move away from dealing with specifics and tend toward generalizations. Those operating at Level III, Contests, view conflict from a “win/lose” perspective. What matters is winning, putting one’s opponents “in their proper place.” Parties operating at Level IV, Fight/Flight, have the objective of hurting their opponents in some way, getting rid of them, or both. Leas described Level V, Intractable Situations, as “conflict run amok.” The objective of individuals in conflict at this fifth level is purely and simply to destroy opponents, irrespective of cost to self or others. The bulk of church conflict takes place at healthy, normal levels. This book is a resource for dealing specifically with those who engage in conflict on Level III, IV, and V.
Antagonists are antagonistic by nature. Antagonists frequently exhibit the psychological defense mechanism known as displacement, in which the focus of behaviors is shifted to someone other than the individual who first elicited them. Church antagonists displace their angry and hostile behaviors onto people in the congregation who too often are easy, available, vulnerable targets. Antagonists tend to attract followers. It is the assistance of these followers that accounts in part for the escalation of antagonistic conflict in congregations. Antagonists have an uncanny ability to find power voids, which they subsequently rush to fill. Too often people have felt that antagonists had to be placated. Because congregations are often relatively small, they are ideal places for antagonists to gain the attention they crave.
There can be no doubt that Christians are called to minister to all people. A Christian is to minister to an antagonist no less than to a saint. Deciding how to deal with antagonists is difficult. You may never be entirely comfortable with your decision. This is as it should be. It indicates that you are a caring human being who hurts when a fellow human being hurts. But painful decisions are part of life. Dealing with antagonists is never easy. No matter what is done, someone will feel pain, be it the antagonist, the congregation, or yourself. But bear in mind that the right kind of pain can also be a precursor of healing.
Distinguishing those who are true antagonists from those who are not is essential. Otherwise there is a serious risk of misjudging the actual level of conflict confronting you. Antagonists tend to display distinctive combinations of clustered personality traits and psychiatric syndromes. Antagonists frequently evidence at least several of five personality characteristics: negative self-concept, narcissism, aggression, rigidity, and authoritarianism. Two factors distinguish these characteristics as they appear in antagonists; first, antagonists usually display at least several of them; second, antagonists exhibit them in extreme forms. An individual with a negative self-concept frequently views the world with excessive pessimism. Antagonists try to build themselves up by tearing others down. Narcissistic individuals who are antagonists are extremely reluctant to admit wrongdoing. In addition to manifesting an excess of the above personality characteristics, antagonists commonly possess one or both of two clinical syndromes: paranoid personality and antisocial personality. Most antagonists fall into the middle and upper portions of the paranoid spectrum. Marks of a paranoid personality include persistent, unwarranted guardedness and mistrust of others; delusions of grandeur; lack of genuine emotions; and hypersensitivity. Most antagonists suffer from more than one disorder.
A second syndrome accompanying and aggravating paranoia in many antagonists is an antisocial personality (alternatively known as psychopathy or sociopathy). People with antisocial personalities suffer from a significant lack of moral development, accompanied by an inability to live within the limits of socially acceptable behavior. They are also manipulative and guileful, treating others as objects for accomplishing their own ends. As a result of inadequately developed consciences, antagonists with antisocial personalities experience little guilt or anxiety over the pain they inflict on others. Antisocial antagonists are adept at putting up a good front in order to obtain the admiration and support of others. Their extreme likability enables them to put others at ease almost effortlessly. All these traits exist to some degree in everyone. What distinguishes nonantagonists from antagonists is that these characteristics do not dominate the personalities of nonantagonists.
The data indicates that those with antagonistic track records tend not to reform. Individuals who behave antagonistically in other arenas of life are prime candidates to become active antagonists in the church. When someone offers you a word of criticism and adds, “There are X number of other people who feel the same way,” chances are excellent that you are talking with an antagonist. Beware of those who denounce your predecessor and praise you at the same time. Antagonists will characteristically spend much time and effort probing you and trying to become intimately acquainted. Later, their inquisitiveness will turn to the proverbially cool contempt bred of familiarity. Those who lavish effusive, gushing praise on you now will often be equally generous with their criticism later. Beware of those who try to catch you in error. Beware of smooth individuals who seem to have no foibles. Beware of those who consistently move from congregation to congregation. A liar is someone who may be a potential antagonist.
Antagonists tend to use means that are extreme, unethical, combative, or any combination of these. Anyone who conspicuously uses money has better than average potential to be an antagonist. Inappropriate note takers are often budding antagonists. Antagonists occasionally make a practice of carrying impressively stuffed portfolios to demonstrate that they possess evidence for their charges. An individual who consistently uses sharp, cutting language is a viable candidate for the position of antagonist. Beware of those who conspicuously resist established policies, insisting on doing things their own way. People who first appear to be simply pests may later prove to be thoroughgoing antagonists. There appears to be a correlation between individuals who promote causes and those who behave antagonistically. It is nevertheless startling to note how many antagonists have had to fight their way up. Antagonists are particularly apt to flaunt their struggle. You may want to pay a bit more attention to congregational members who lose on a particular issue, especially when the level of conflict approached that of “contest” or above. Individuals who wave these red flags merit close scrutiny.
Antagonists also exhibit warning signs that telegraph their intentions to begin an attack. By alerting yourself to the earliest stages of an antagonist’s attack, you gain a distinct advantage. You can minimize the damage done by dealing effectively with the individual before major problems erupt. When a person who is exhibiting red flags changes his or her manner of relating to you, beware. As an antagonist begins activity, he or she might pay you a visit or send you a letter of “concern.” A red-flag person who expresses “concern” typically means “angry.” You find yourself feeling nettled as the antagonist becomes a constant fly-in-the-ointment. To wage an effective campaign, an antagonist must gather support and create discord, conflict, and doubt. Another sign of imminent onslaught is a potential antagonist meddling in areas that are not his or her concern. Finally, you might detect growing resistance and independence from a red-flag person. The six warning signs presented so far usually come early—like the hush before a storm.
The following section describes characteristics of active antagonists at later stages. Antagonists often use one or more emotionally laden slogans to spread troublesome dissension. Antagonists frequently bandy about one or more accusations. In more or less obvious ways, an antagonist may begin to spy on you. Antagonists frequently distort reports of incidents, leaving grains of truth to maintain credibility. Antagonists frequently misquote the Bible to provide proof that their campaigns or behaviors are legitimate. An antagonist is likely to tell the person he or she is attacking, “I am your friend, but this is something that I just have to do.” A troublemaker might wear an inappropriate smile or a cocky grin when he or she encounters the person under attack. Antagonists sometimes pester church leaders. Antagonists frequently send letters or other communications. Acknowledge these at first—with a brief phone call or a postcard. One of the most counterproductive courses of action would be to respond with a lengthy, single-spaced letter. Antagonists often portray themselves as champions of the underdog, or as underdogs themselves. Antagonists frequently lobby with small groups in the congregation to create doubt about one or more leaders.
The disproportionate share of attention antagonists demand (and often get) makes it immensely worthwhile for leaders of a congregation to create an environment that is as unfavorable as possible for antagonism. A good way to prevent antagonism is for everyone to follow the established policies and procedures of the congregation. Procedures are safeguards against antagonists. Two-way, open communication needs to exist between leaders and members. To facilitate this, leaders must clearly tell the congregation what the appropriate channels of communication are, and reiterate them frequently. When clearly spelled out means of response are available, an antagonist who blatantly disregards them is more easily detected and exposed. Clear job descriptions create an unfavorable environment for antagonists. A strong, broad base of authority can do much to thwart antagonistic attacks. When an antagonist realizes that power is carefully distributed among a group of people, then he or she will think twice before instigating trouble. Functional disciplinary measures are also essential to maintaining an anti-antagonist environment. Change must be gradual and must be accompanied by a great deal of loving commentary. Abrupt change can awaken antagonists. Church staff and lay leaders must maintain a united front, with no room for backbiting or unhealthy friction. A healthy support group for church staff is extremely helpful in creating a generally uninviting environment for antagonists. A group of this sort keeps the staff in touch with the congregation. It helps minimize unhealthy criticism directed at church staff and further a growth that is beneficial to all.
Education indeed equips people to do what must be done, no matter how uncomfortable the task—and few tasks are more uncomfortable than dealing with antagonists. The goal of general education is to communicate an understanding of the dynamics of antagonism and ways to handle it effectively. The first purpose of general education is prevention. The second purpose is to provide a foundation for specific education when or if it becomes necessary. Specific education means education about individuals who are beginning to behave antagonistically. Specific education should begin where there is a problem and after some leaders have begun to experience discomfort. General education should be available to as many leaders as possible, so they can be aware of the dynamics and treatment of church antagonism. Specific education is for those leaders who bear legitimate responsibility for the problem. A group or particular individuals from a group that might benefit from specific education is a nominating committee seeking qualified candidates for congregational or committee leadership. It is better to leave a post empty than to fill it with an antagonist. Specific education should proceed slowly and inductively from effects to causes.
The proper, timely use of authority is good and serves as a strong preventive measure against the development of antagonism. When a congregation is struggling with antagonism, leaders who overly indulge their need to be liked can bring about damaging repercussions. People may not like strong leaders, but they hate weak ones. There are two types of authority: authority of person and authority of office. Authority of person ultimately stems from your own feelings of worth and ability. By virtue of an office you hold in the congregation, you may possess additional authority. When antagonism interferes with the mission and ministry of the congregation, your anger should embolden you to use every ounce of your authority to end the situation.
Relate to an antagonist very, very carefully whether they are active or inactive. Your exact strategy and response will vary depending on the level of antagonistic behavior, but in all cases you will need to be on your guard. Professional behavior is a plus for anyone at any time, and is particularly vital when you relate to antagonists. You might think that your reserved behavior will anger antagonists. It might, but there is a greater probability that they will learn to respect you, as a result reducing the chance that they will harass you. Don’t run from antagonists, but avoid inviting them to sit at your hearth; the vestibule or foyer is close enough. Antagonists are delighted by opportunities to prove others wrong—even slightly—and will seize any chance to catch you in an error. Avoid reinforcing the inappropriate behaviors of antagonists. When you know an antagonists is gearing up for action, tighten your grip on the reins. Try to discourage nomination of an antagonist to a position of leadership. A leadership role can provide a springboard for the antagonist to create trouble more easily.
In relating to a potential antagonist, do not throw down your gauntlet too soon. Learn to hold your tongue even when an antagonist is provoking you. Responding too soon to antagonists’ attacks can be counterproductive. The truth won’t hurt you unless you let it. Don’t seek sympathy from others. Don’t request a special committee to handle the accusations of the antagonist. Don’t call for a vote of confidence. Your attitude should be one of blithe self-confidence, presuming that you have the support of others—and helping to ensure that you do have support. Defend yourself against a potential antagonist’s behavior by brushing it off as a petty annoyance—or better, no annoyance at all. You can operate from strength early on, dealing with antagonists calmly and nondefensively, or you can react later, when the situation mushrooms out of control, threatening to damage you and the whole congregation. An ounce of prevention now is worth more than a pound of confrontation later.
As you collide with an antagonist and struggle with a pile of problems collapsing on you, you can receive invaluable assistance to another who might be taking the brunt of such an attack. A confessor-confidant is someone with whom you can share feelings, thoughts, and strategies for coping with an antagonistic situation. Healthy people realize that God did not make us to be strictly independent. I usually advise pastors, in particular, to find a confessor-confidant outside the congregation. A good confessor-confidant relationship will include a certain amount of education. A confessor-confidant affirms the other as much as possible. Affirmation from the heart builds and strengthens the other’s whole person, renovating what the antagonist has tried to tear down.
Be the best possible leader you can be, and continue to do your job effectively. Don’t panic or bring other activities to a screeching halt while you wait for the antagonist to reveal him- or herself. Don’t go on a fact-finding mission or expend large amounts of energy searching out the trouble and its source. Accept the fact that it is not critical to precisely identify the antagonist or antagonists. Act confidently. Remember the operating rule when dealing with antagonists: weakness invites and prolongs attacks; strength repels it. Note the locations of tension and disturbance. A final recourse when you don’t know the source of tension is to live with it. Invisible antagonists—unseen either by you or by others—present you with an opportunity and a challenge. The opportunity is to get on with the work of the church. The challenge is that you need to maintain vigilance and be ready to respond when the antagonist begins to come forward.
Responding forcefully but responsibly to someone who is waving numerous red flags of antagonism is what this chapter is all about. The characteristics of antagonists demand firm, assertive behavior when you interact with them. To act otherwise is to court failure. Who should guide the interaction is the key question in dealing with antagonists, because control of you and the situation is what the antagonist is after. The primary focus in this chapter is not on how to handle antagonists, but how to handle yourself. The ability to take charge of yourself is essential in one-to-one interviews with antagonists. If possible, avoid meeting with the antagonist at all. If there is to be a meeting, it should be at the antagonist’s initiative. The location of a meeting with an antagonist is another critical factor. Be firm in our intention to meet in a place of your choosing. A meal creates an unwanted atmosphere of intimacy that will work against you. The time for you to establish control is when you set up the meeting, not at a busy eating establishment.
Sometimes an antagonist will call with an air of urgency and ask (or demand) to meet with you right away. Don’t do it. Along with not meeting immediately at an antagonist’s request, it is inadvisable to meet at any other specific time the antagonist suggests, even when this might be possible for you. Antagonists tend to think they have the right to take liberties with your schedule. By specifically mentioning that you plan to meet for an hour, you are establishing a structure for the meeting from the start. The dogged persistence of antagonists tends to wear people down. Meeting with an antagonist at length weakens your resistance, aiding and abetting the antagonist’s cause. Let the antagonist speak first. Saying little and maintaining a solid presence (steady eyes, good posture, minimal fidgeting) is far more beneficial than words. Be an attentive listener, but not an active listener. Take notes at every meeting with an antagonist. Do not tape-record and interview with an antagonist. Antagonists frequently ask questions to try to trick you into saying something that they can use against you. Remember that you have no obligation to answer unfair or irrelevant questions. Be firm with antagonists, but avoid challenging or arguing with them. Take care also not to bait antagonists. You may need to bite your tongue, but a sore tongue is better than added fuel for an antagonist’s fire.
Confidentiality always applies in counseling-related situations. If an antagonist has been in a helping relationship with you in the past, you must keep that information to yourself—even if it could help explain the antagonist’s present behavior to others. Confidentiality applies less strictly in situations other than specific helping or counseling relationships. Since antagonists usually wage campaigns that are public, the matter of confidentiality is nearly always irrelevant. If you have the slightest doubt whether a communication from an antagonist is confidential, ask the antagonist for permission to share what he or she has just said. The antagonist most likely will be happy to grant you permission. You might also want to inform an antagonist ahead of time that all conversations with you are exempted from confidentiality. Using channels of public communication to combat antagonism gives the antagonist attention and recognition, reinforcing the negative behavior. Using channels of public communication to combat antagonism could be perceived as taking unfair advantage of your position; can create doubt where there was none before; creates an unhealthy atmosphere for the whole congregation; you can appear to be weak; could make you come across as an ogre; and violates the use for which these channels were intended.
The leaders of a congregation will take the brunt of an active antagonist’s attacks. Therefore leaders must prepare themselves both tactically and strategically for dealing with antagonists in group situations, for presenting a united front, and for the difficult decisions associated with disciplinary measures. If you preside over a meeting in which an antagonist creates trouble, you are in a strong position to deal with the situation. To do so most effectively, it is imperative that you thoroughly understand the level of authority that is vested in you. An informed, courageous, and conscientious committee member can make a significant impact on controlling antagonism in group situations. A well-chosen word delivered from a respected advisor can go far to preserve good order. Good communication among leaders will serve as your best shield against an antagonist’s attempts to divide. When specific disciplinary actions are called for, the leader’s responsibility is not to equivocate or bend the regulations, but to carry them out. Antagonists tend not to change. Both clergy and lay church leaders spend entirely too much time castigating themselves when attacked by antagonists, as they transform fear of being judgmental into ruthlessness towards self.
In the midst of your personal dealings with an antagonist and the accompanying furor, you should strive to minimize the damage an antagonist causes. Before any problem arises, you should search out and learn your denomination’s own way of handling matters such as antagonism. As a rule of thumb, always try to handle the problem at the congregational level. Notify early, but request help late. Judicatory officials want to know when a storm is beginning to brew, not when all they can do is help a congregation clean up the wreckage. In communicating with judicatory officials, be specific.
Experiencing an attack from an antagonist can crush your spirit, diminish your sense of personhood and self-worth, and even threaten your attachment to the church. You may have a spectrum of feelings ranging from anger, frustration, confusion, and depression. These feelings might lead you to wonder, “Should I leave or stay?”. I encourage you not to resign prematurely, or for church members, not to leave too quickly. In most cases there are very good reasons for seriously considering “hanging in there.” When a church leader relinquishes his or her position, the solution is often temporary. Once a replacement arrives, the problem begins again. You might well have more support than you realize. As Ulysses S. Grant said, “There are always more of them until they are counted.” The antagonist is generally the offending party. The antagonist is a congregational problem that affects the whole congregation. Consider personal and family needs. Deciding to vacate your position also involves questions of moral responsibility. You may be the one destined to put an end to the antagonistic problem, and resigning may be running away from God’s will.
Your success as a leader depends largely on your ability to be self-directed and God-directed, rather than depending exclusively on feedback from others. Although resignation is usually unnecessary, it is still one alternative. The basic issue for you to consider is whether or not you have lost effectiveness as a leader in your church setting. Consider resigning if you have made many serious mistakes or committed great (and actual) offense. Consider resigning when a significant majority is against you. Even if you weathered the storm and came through with majority support, resignation may be the expedient and caring action. Your presence might simply bean unpleasant reminder of that time of strife. But do not give up too soon. You might be surprised by the recuperative powers of individuals. If the unrest increases as time passes, then perhaps you should move on. Consider resigning when staying poses a risk to your physical or emotional health. Consider resigning when one or more judicatory officials in all love and honesty recommends it.
When you have considered these factors well, and if resignation seems proper to you, here are some possible ways to proceed. Your honesty can educate your constituency. Your frankness may well have an overall healthy effect. Do all you can to smooth the transition to a new leader. Arrange for an exit interview with appropriate leaders. If you were the victim, resign your office according to a schedule that suits your convenience. Apologize sincerely if, in any way, you are to blame for what has transpired. Resignation almost always seems to be the lesser of evils, but most of the time it creates more problems than it solves. It is never an easy choice, and calls for a great deal of prayer, thought, and personal struggle.
In the aftermath of an antagonistic situation, there are many who need care. Certainly the other leaders on the front line of attack have emotional sores that require prompt, caring treatment. What they probably need as much as your listening ear is encouragement. Offer care to the confused, innocent bystanders, members who might be at a loss to understand what happened. It is important to match the varied needs with the proper amount of caring. The followers who fell in with the antagonist also require care. First, give them ample opportunity to express their guilt. Once they have worked through their guilt and other emotions, then offer the soothing balm of forgiveness that assures full acceptance back into the fold. Finally, the ones who reacted to the stress by becoming inactive desperately need caring ministry, but the difficulty of caring for those who left is that their trust level is low. After an antagonistic ordeal, you need to experience healing as well. Now is also a good time for leaders to learn more about the whole area of antagonism. The aftermath of an antagonistic attack will find congregational leaders especially willing to learn. Your goal should be to create an even healthier congregation. You need to forgive, but your forgiveness must not be blind. An antagonist can be compared to a volcano. In dealing with a dormant antagonist, be every bit as careful as you would in dealing with a volcano that erupted a year or two earlier.
A synopses prepared by
Thomas L. Law, III, DoM
Tarrant Baptist Association
Ft. Worth, TX
(For more than 200 book summaries by Dr. Law, go to www.tarrantbaptist.org)
Posts
